I thought I would blog here more. Honestly, though, sometimes my emotions about this birth are so crazy that I just don't want to discuss them with anyone. Fear, perhaps. I'm pretty sure no one will understand. Or they will think I'm being overly dramatic, a characteristic that I don't personally care for too much. I'm kind of strange, in that I tend to see people who complain about physical pain or illness as being weak. That is probably not a great thing to admit to the whole world, but it is what it is.
Ever since I was little I was lauded for my 'high pain tolerance' and my ability not to cry when I was hurt. That idea took root in my head, and I've become very proud of it, especially in the birth arena. Funny, huh? What comes before the fall?? Pride of course. If you read the last post, you watched the video that I made in 2008 to commemorate my VBA3C. I was always a little uneasy about that video. Now, I understand why. I was too cocky. Too proud. It was all about me and my amazing accomplishment of a having an unmedicated VBA3C to a 10lbs2oz baby.
God definately used Benjamin's birth to humble me. According to statistics, I shouldn't have ruptured. Once a woman has a succesful VBAC, her rupture risks is just about the same as a person with an uncut uterus. Well....God had different plans, and he knew I needed some humbling.
Being humbled is not easy.
Really. Not. Easy.
Birth, especially natural birth and the fight against the American OB machine, was a huge part of my identity. Now, I'm stuck planning a repeat cesarean and have been labeled high risk. I've had to die to myself, to my desires, to my goals, to ME. Handing over this area to God has not been easy. I mean, he made my body to birth, right?? He desires for us to give him control of our womb, so why would he make it so hard???
Because His secret will is not for me to know. And the only way that I will learn anything or grow closer to God through this birth is to trust Him and to lay down my life and my will for His.
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