My Birth History

Here's a video that I made about my birth history in 2008, after my amazing VBA3C. If you don't want to read all of the history that follows in this post, just watch the video.

When I think of my last birth experience, I am filled with fear. The idea of willingly consenting to an elective cesarean breaks my heart. However, I know that this time, there really is no choice.

My first child was born when I was 20 years old. He was induced on his due date and it was a typical hospital birth, complete with an epidural. I didn't feel anything after the epidural, until he started crowning. I remember telling the nurses, "Hey this medicine isn't working. I'm really starting to hurt." She checked me and he was coming out. I wish it had been that easy with the other births.

We tried for a few years for our next child. We had used depo-provera for a year, and it completely messed up my fertility after I stopped taking it. We were so excited to become pregnant, and this time I wanted a natural delivery. At 36 weeks my water broke and I headed to the hospital. I knew that I didn't want pitocin, but I didn't know enough to realize I could actually say 'no'. When the nurse told me that the doctor wanted to put me on pitocin, I asked, "Is this mandatory?" Of course, she lied and told me that it was. Shame on her.

I endured several hours of pitocin-induced contractions without medication. My husband and I were a great team during that labor. The contractions got to be too difficult to bear, and I asked for an epidural. Once the epidural was in, they cranked the pitocin up, but I didn't dilate past 3cm. I probably just needed more time, but I didn't know enough to ask for it. So, 12 hours after I got to the hospital, I was having my first c-section.

Physical recovery was a cinch. I was walking in a few hours and the pain didn't bother me very much. I have a high pain tolerance and I was proud of myself for being strong. The emotional recovery was very hard. The experience of being cut open and exposed on an operating table while completely conscious is bizarre. Because of my weight there were some unnecessary comments made, and I was beyond humiliated. There was also the feeling of smothering from all the meds, the oxygen mask, and the weight on my chest. I remember praying so hard that I wouldn't die, and realizing that I had sort of been ignoring God, and he really had no reason to answer my prayers. I said the name of Jesus over and over, because I knew that nothing else would save me. This was a very straight-forward c-section, there were no complications and it was very easy, yet I was terrified the entire time.

We were pregnant again 8 months later with #3. I went to a certified nurse midwife and planned on having a vbac. I read everything I could about vbac and natural birth. I was very prepared and very excited to try for a natural birth. Labor began two days before my due date. It was a slow, long, textbook labor. The contractions were easily timed and I could tell exactly what my body was doing. When I got to the hospital I was already 7cm dilated, and it seemed that nothing could stop me from having a natural birth. My midwife wanted to break my water, and I allowed it. Labor changed from manageable to horrendous. My labor stalled at 8cms. Everything I read said that transition was only supposed to last an hour. I didn't realize that malposition could make labor slow down. So, after 36 hours of labor and three hours of transition (without medication), I asked for a c-section.

The failed vbac was a huge devastation, mainly because I knew it was my fault for not taking my thoughts captive during labor, for getting overwhelmed and for asking for a section.

We conceived again at 6 weeks postpartum. This was #4, and I made my husband sit down when I told him, we were that surprised. I was too tired, after three pregnancies in 2 1/2 years, to even bother trying for another vbac, so we planned another cesarean. During the surgery we were thanking the nurses and the anaesthesiologist for their care and for making it the best c-section experience we'd had. They all kept saying, "Well, it needs to be your last!"

After that delivery, we used non-hormonal methods to avoid pregnancy. It was a hard time in our marriage, as I resented this decision. We got pregnant a year later (#5) and, though I still wanted a VBAC, I knew it wasn't an option at that point with that practice.

At 34 weeks, my midwife called and told me that my doctor would not perform the planned c-section. He was upset that I had missed a couple of appointments and was refusing to do the surgery. I learned later that he was scared that I was using him as shadow care (planning a homebirth and seeing him as backup.) That was never the case, I simply missed those appointments out of combination of my forgetfullness and a clerical error on the part of the staff. My midwife told me that another doctor in the practice had agreed to do my cesarean. It was the doctor that I DID NOT want to touch me. At that point, I got scared and started praying and looking for answers. God led me to ICAN and I found a doctor who would support my attempt to vba3c. He was two hours away, but I went to see him anyway. I switched care providers at 36 weeks and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Amy was born posterior at 10lbs2oz with no medications! Her vba3c was absolutely amazing, and I never regret my decision to try for vbac.

With Benjamin's pregnancy, I continued to see my VBAC-doctor, and really enjoyed my trips to his office, even though it was 2 (#6)hours away. Toward the end of the pregnancy, I was very overcome with fear that something would go wrong. Secretely I thought the baby would be born with Down Syndrome. Also, I just knew that Amy's birth was so perfect that something would be different with this one.

Benjamin's birth story is quite long. I've got it all written out, but I'm not sure that I'll share it. The important details are that I got to the hospital (for the third time that day) at 10cm dilated. I was pushing when the rupture happened, and I could feel it and knew what was wrong. I was rushed to the OR, but due to my size and the fact that I'm a hard stick late in pregnancy, I was unable to be sedated for surgery for 20 minutes. So, while my baby was dying I was being poked to death and preparing to be cut on with no meds. Benjamin was born without a heartbeat and not breathing. His apgars were 0/1/3/4 at 1 minute/5 minutes/10 minutes/15 minutes. We praise the Lord that He is so very perfect and healthy today. But his birth has changed everything, and that is very hard.

I have birthed 6 children. I have labored 5 times. I have reached transition 4 times. I have pushed 3 times. I have only delivered 2 of my babies vaginally. And I have ruptured once. This baby, and any future babies will be born via c-section, a cold reality that I do not like at all.